Being God Sucks & Seeking Enlightenment is Stupid!
A most amazing light show appears before me: brilliant neon lights flashing reds purples whites yellows, unfolding in crazy fractal patterns, zipping by at jaw dropping speed.
The shamanic voyage has begun. There is no longer any doubt that I am the one making the show, for I am the one who creates everything. I am the One. No other. This feeling of Oneness is very clear: an empty void, a deep deep hum.
A voice thunders in my head, “I am God.”
It continues, “Are you suffering delusions of grandeur?” I try to stay focused on this wonderful show of magic but somehow I am just not impressed. I am bored. I say, “Oh, it’s all so boring. Joyless. Lonely.”
“Stop saying it’s boring.”
Now my body starts to cry, deep sobs escape my mouth. I can’t help but shake.
The voice again, “Stop it! The body is an illusion.”
Cold chills shoot through me. “I know you’re trying to impress me with bodily sensations but I don’t care!”
“You should care, this is your body. Love it.”
“I don’t have a body, get away! Stop talking.”
Okay, I see that there are two of me. One is quiet, empty, just observing while the other has all sorts of questions and ideas. I am aware that one is my ego and the other one, the silent one, is my eternal self. I am aware that in order to return to the state I was in, before the voice began to chatter, I need to crush down, kill and let go of the ego.
I fight the voice, using my ego to stop my ego. The detached observer and the egoic self in mortal combat, “Stop, just let go, go away…” “Do you really want to lose these memories?” The image of my sweet house with all the scenes of my children growing up, all the happy memories in living pictures flash by me. Ah, sweet memories, better than the light show. At the same time my eternal self’s presence shows me the memories are illusion. These memories are not “real” just another form of the light show, I conjure them up to amuse myself. I am the magician, the one who can create anything, including these memories. The two sides are very clear, the eternal self and the egoic self. Ego is fun, and colorful and the eternal self is empty detachment. The egoic self finds the detachment very boring, it doesn’t want to go there, doesn’t want to die.
That egoic self is keenly aware that boredom is the last stop. If it finds light shows and memories no longer fun than it is time to die, to detach from the grand show of life. The empty void beckons.
In a last ditched effort, the voice says, “If you die now what would they do? There will be a dead body they have to deal with.”
“What do I care, I am dead.”
“But don’t you want to share this journey with all the people. You care about them. You don’t want them to have to mop up the blood and explain to the police that someone died.”
“The whole universe goes with me when I die. They don’t exist! There is no journey, no police, no they. Let it all go.”
“No sharing? I so want to share my experience. I love them… all those people in the room and especially Otie! I have to tell him…. share with him…”
Otie appears before me, all smiles, handsome cute. Ah, him! How I know him! The first time I created him, he was Krishna! And I made myself, Shiva. A beautiful couple in the full flowering of India. Then, I knew I was God pretending to be human so he knew too. We play, oh did we play and enjoy creation. Lila around the galaxy, the worlds, the stars, delighting in joy, peace, happiness. A perfect life time that is still present. Still happening in so many different forms…
Life times flash by… I created the middle ages. We were a couple selling medicine brews, I a witch he a wizard. We worked hard and life was hard but we had each other. One cold night, while I was cooking up some nice hot soup he had a heart attack. Boom, down he drop dead on the floor. Life was too hard, no fun any more so he just ditched camp. I was mad! I was so mad at him! “How dare you! Desert me this way!”
Then we were an Amish couple in the 19th century. He in a hat and I in a bonnet. I wanted him to wear my bonnet for fun but he wouldn’t do it. I milked the cows, had babies, baked, washed, dug, worked so hard as a woman and he a preacher. We prayed before each meal. I sat beside him when he preached, admiring his speech, his conviction, his love for god. I see him now, Krishna again, this life time as Otie. I see him too in everyone I love, Krishna as my daughter, Krishna as my brother, Krishna as my doggie. I see now, every time I love, everyone I meet that I love is Krishna. My beloved. I have created him so that I can love him. He is my perfect creation: Love. He loves me and he supports me, he will do anything I want. Otie says, “Here I am! I made myself to your liking this time. See, see, aren’t you amazed by my cute face, my smart mind, my witty talks? Oh yes, I am determined to do a better job in this lifetime. I will love you, serve you, be so nice to you. I will carry all the bags and walk behind you. I will be a better husband.” I so love Otie.
To feel love, I must forget I am One. One can’t love. Love takes two. I must create another side of me that is not me. The duality: male female, good bad, happy sad… This duality is what creates all the worlds. Krishna, Otie, all the sweet memories of so many life times, so many worlds, all illusions. All of material plane is illusory created by me, a me who has chosen to forget I am God. Because being God sucks! Highly over rated. Oneness, emptiness, where there is nothing to detach nor attach to sucks. Godhood is not love. To love I must have two sides. Stop seeking enlightenment. Finding God is not necessary. I am God. Seeking enlightenment is another way to avoid the fact that I am God. Awakening, yes, awake to the fact that I am God making it all up, choosing to stay asleep. Every time I die I merge back into the void but immediately missing Love, I come back forgetful again to live another life time, another world, another illusion, just to be in love. Just to see Otie again, to get a chance be mad at him…. so different from me, I am light while he is dark, I am this and he is that, a life time when I am male and he is female, another one when he is a dog…
Haha! The cosmic giggle. I am God and I am Love. Lela Lela play! All too perfect. Awaken awaken to this life, in love with Otie, in love with myself, knowing I am god knowing I am love….
